The day is over and I do not care

I feel myself sinking into the depths of despair

It is a place I now know and recognize

A place I must visit and let myself cry

As I slide down into the darkness which lies ahead

My thoughts turn inward and little is done or said

I used to struggle against these gray and cheerless days

But fighting only extends the bleakness along the way

Dare I wonder if it is a time reflect and review?

Or a time to gather myself together and start anew

A time to rest from wearing the ‘mask’ for the outside

And a place where my grief is not required to hide

A time and place to touch the heartbreak and the pain

And to cry endless tears and call my loved one’s name

Not asking anyone for patience or to please understand

There are times when I silently hide behind my hands

Aware of this place I have been so many times

And feeling the dark approach with its subtle signs

I prepare myself to grieve and wear myself out

For then I will climb up and start again, with no doubt

The day is over and I am ready to go

To let the grief take over and the tears start to flow

But knowing this will stop within some time

And the grief will not completely control my mind

There is a small light that I cling onto with hope

Because I know now that I can still cope

My life will continue and each day will be new

For I am a SURVIVOR – I have proven it true

EA Gay

January 5, 2005

10:12pm

Hearts and cupids decorate the stores

As people buy for Valentine’s Day and more

But to me, it will never feel quite the same

Knowing there will not be a card with your name

You have been gone just over a year

And in my heart you still remain so dear

The sixteen years that I watched you grow

Are more precious to me than you could ever know

I thank the Lord everyday for the gift of you

And the sixteen short years of your life that I knew

I miss your love, your laughter, your smiles and much more

Which now grace the heavens since you passed through His door

As Valentine’s Day approaches, my loss feels so vast

And I cherish the cards and homemade hearts from the past

But the one gift you gave me that I treasure especially

Is your heart and the love within, that was given to me

Your love and your life will continue on within mine

As I share you with your siblings over and over in time

Teaching them the wisdom I learned from your heart

And knowing I am still learning since we are apart

As your Mom, I am always proud to say

Wayne is my son and nothing can take that away

My first-born child, who is no longer physically with me

But exists within my heart, and that is the key.

I love you my son, my child and now my angel above

Wishing I could send you messages on the wings of a dove

But feel like you hear my thoughts and prayers everyday

I’ll end by saying I LOVE YOU

and HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Love always,

Mom

EA Gay

February 8, 2005

11:39pm

A mother's love is so special that words cannot describe

No matter how many cards and poems that always seem to try

There is a bond with a child that exists beyond this world

And the love between the two as precious as a pearl

The love of a mother is more than one can see

Our hearts are molded to contain the love that is key

The loss of a child does not halt a mother’s love

For it continues to grow until we meet Above

A mother’s love is special and unique to every one

As is her grief when her child’s life is done

The love continues to flow, seeping through the pain

So each mom will know, the bond with child remains

Dear Mom,

I can only imagine the heartbreak of Mother’s Day for you. 

My heart is shattered by Wayne’s death with grief I never knew

But to grieve for the death of a grandson - also your daughter’s son

Is a grief beyond what I know because it's not just for one

How my own heartaches must chip away at yours

Multiplying the grief in a way I’m not sure I could endure

You have been there for me in so many ways

Even in those darkest and most painful grief filled days

It took me while to comprehend the depth of your loss and pain

Your heart reacting to my suffering while also grieving for Wayne

How I wish I could soften some of the layers of the grief

And wipe away the tears as your heart continues to weep

Dear Mother, I ask that you remember as you also mourn

The Life of Wayne  - not just the death of my first-born

He held a special place in my heart just as well as yours

And one day we shall see him again, sitting with the Lord

I love you!

EA Gay  

May 2, 2005

The Path No One Chose

We walk the path that no one wants

The path that no one chose

Our journey seems to never end

Nor take the smoother route

Our path leads us over rocks and cracks

And sometimes deep into the holes

Dare we look neither left nor right

We must continue to move on

The forward progress seems too slow

And immeasurable many times

Sometimes our steps take us back

Only to push onward again

Then one day we notice something different

So subtle it can be missed

The path has maybe smoothed a bit

Less jagged are the edges and breaks

But we must continue to move along

Or the journey will control us again

TWO YEARS TOO MANY

Two years since your death

Too many days of walking heartbreak

Too many nights of sleeplessness

Too many mornings of waking to the truth

Two years since you died

Too much guilt and blame within

Too many things reconsidered

Too many things left unsaid or undone

Two years of learning life after death

Too many others joining you

Too many others left behind to suffer

Too many tears shed in silence

Two years since your death

And life goes on – but not as we know it

EA Gay

September 21, 2005

11:28pm

The Broken Mirror

As a broken mirror shatters, its ‘life’ is ripped away

Shards and slivers the only evidence of its existence

No longer reflecting the complete image

Only distorted bits and pieces that do not make a whole

Two years ago, my heart was shattered in one moment

On the day my son took his life and left me in bits and pieces

Life continues to flow in waves and currents around me

Yet I cannot feel the rhythm of the movement

My life is now like that broken mirror

Unable to see the known image of myself in it

Only pieces and parts disjointed and strewn about

Casting light and reflections in directions unknown to me

To keep going, I must keep trying to create a new whole

Using unknown fillings in between the pieces

Trying to hold it together as a new whole

And the reflection is one I do not know but must learn

EA Gay

October 10, 2005

This poem is a bit different than my others.  It's not directly about Wayne. It is about and aimed at those who claim to 'know it all' yet know nothing of the truth.  I lived the truth - everyday of Wayne's life.  I know the efforts, the sacrifices, the heartbreaks, plus the joys and the love of that life.   Gossip and heresay do not honor Wayne's memories.  And I refuse to acknowledge those who insist and demand that I believe their twisted views.  It's very simple....it is a matter of 'you say' and 'I know'.

YOU SAY

You say you know the truth

But how can you?

You say your words are what happened

Were you there?

You say because someone told you..it is true

Isn’t that called gossip or hearsay?

You say your version is THE truth

If so, why do you have to demand that I believe it?

You say I cannot see the truth

But wasn’t I living it everyday?

You say I should forget  and move on

How can I not defend my life and family?

You say…you say…you say

Isn’t that the whole problem?

EA Gay

October 10, 2005

10:53pm

Halloween 

Candy corn, caramel apples, sweet tarts and much more

All those precious treats that you did adore

Funny costumes, ghoulish faces, dressing up each year

Little did I know those memories would be so dear

Walking hand in hand, going place to place

Watching the excitement and smiles upon your face

Your last Halloween, at 15 years of age

Proving no clues to the turmoil inside that raged

How I wish that you had given us a clue

And given me a chance to have a heart-to-heart with you

Every year now, when I open the door to hear

‘Trick or treat’, it brings you, oh so, near

While seeing all the children dressed up for the night

And jack-o-lantern faces glowing ever so bright

Tears stain my face and run down my cheeks

As I remember, while handing out all the treats

Not many see the heartbreak, which I hide inside

Or hear me when alone, and all I can do is cry

My dearest son, your Halloweens are time that I do treasure

I hope those memories can, one day revive the pleasures

Of trick or treating with your sister, and your little brother

While never once forgetting, that I will always be YOUR mother

EA Gay

HE LIVED

Dare not put his death over his life

For he lived on this earth for his time

And was loved by many and more

His death is tragic, heartbreaking

Which can easily overshadow his life

A life that I brought into this world

His death is not a topic for gossip

To spread rumors and hearsay about

When he is the only one who knows

The truth was buried with him

Not to be second-guessed by anyone else

For speculation can only produce more pain

Speak of memories and reminders

Talk of his love and the times spent together

And the way he touched lives of others

Remember the precious moments

Always treasured and cherished within

Rather than focusing on his death by suicide

He created an impact by living

By touching so many in life

Do not let his death define him

For he lived and was who he was

For the too-short years of his life

Remember and cherish him

Let his life reach beyond

And educate others by his death

But do not let  his death define his life

He was…and he will be

Always to be remembered by many

Because he lived

EA Gay

October 28, 2005     

10:38pm

I feel the need to weep, to scream, to let it out

Before the pain erupts from within my soul

I feel the need to talk, to share, to acknowledge his life

To help me move forward in this grief of his death

My life is now exists in two separate parts

Divided into before death and after death too

Looking at life as with and without

Moving forward yet somehow staying in place

Thankful for the sixteen years of his life and his love

Yet wishing and grieving for the years we will not have

This journey of pain was not chosen by me

Yet I must follow this path I was thrust upon

Traveling in circles, spiraling up and down

Unable to see an end or even the beginning

There is an innocence that no longer exists

No matter how desperately I seek it

Life keeps going and I must stay with it

But the silence of night brings back the pain

I feel the need to let it come out

And through my words it pours

Each word helping to move me forward

Along this journey of healing

This grief is now a large part of my life

Yet I can no longer let it be the focus

I know I must apply myself to the here and now

Finding the goodness in my present life

Struggling to see the positive and right

While trying to direct my path that way

Thankful for the love of my husband and our children

To help me get through these moments

With them by my side each and every day

I know I am not traveling this journey alone

I may still feel the need to weep and to cry

But I know that I have ‘life’ when I stop

Progressing forward and moving along

Is the best way I can honor my son and his name

Though his death had touched me in so many ways

He deserves to be remembered as my life goes on

EA Gay

November 2, 2005

9:35pm

MILESTONES

Special occasions come and go

Days you looked so forward too

Milestones noted at your age

For ushering in your adulthood

Discussions we had about each day

And how to celebrate it together

But now those times will not come

And are marked by the sorrow your loss

Each occasion noted but not rejoiced

Only acknowledged for the date it is

The intensity of no joy for each time

And knowing what should have been

Thinking of all that you have missed

And all the plans you had made

Only tends to mystify

How you chose to end your days

Each special day takes a toll on my heart

No way it can be ignored

Remembering the plans you imagined for life

And now they will no longer be

The special occasions still come and go

And I’ll shed my tears each time

And remember how you looked forward to

A new step into your life

Somehow I’ll celebrate for your friends

Yet knowing you are not a part

As each year creates one more time

Between your life and death

So many times I thought we would see

Together as son and mom

Now we have them somehow together

As mom and her son, her angel

Your milestones did not end

On the day you chose to die

For I’ll always know and wonder

Just who you would have been

EAGAY

June 2, 2006

10:29pm

Crashing, rolling over, and boiling under

Squeezing into every crevice and opening

Seizing everything in its way

Thrusting into new and unfamiliar places

Grief, heartbreak, and the tragedy of loss

Physical pain pulling into oneself

Unwanted, pushed away, fought against

Until it can no longer be denied

A lifetime of change with dreams unfulfilled

Futures taken for granted no longer existing

Life changing, unsettled and out of focus

The vision of how it all should be, erased

Understanding the pain cannot be fought

Nor denied nor given control

Making time to allow the anguish to be felt

And wrestling it back into place

Allowing the heartbreaking grief inside

To escape and dominate some times

Permiting the release of emotions from within

And enabling the mind to control once again

Swirling, brushing, and detouring around

Vented enough to slow down the tide

Of the grief, the heartbreak and the loss

So that life may resume once again

EA Gay

June 9, 2006

11:50pm

19

Nineteen

Nineteen years ago

A child was born

And loved by many

Blue eyes

Blonde hair turned brown

Sauntering walk

As the child grows

Into a young man

16

Sixteen

Sixteen years of life

Growing and learning

To be his own person

Sensitive

Loved being outdoors

Enjoyed humor

And laughter with others

Yet hiding inside

Problems

Anger, belligerence

With unhappiness at times

Pain and turmoil

Masked from others

3

Three

Three years ago

A confused young man

On the brink of adulthood

Passed away all alone

And by his choice

Now

Today

Heartbreak and grief

Yet life goes on

Despite the intense pain

Love

Always

Mother and child

A bond never broken

Not even by death

EAGay

November 2, 2006

1:53pm

Three years have passed

The Holidays come and go

The New Year approaches

Once again to start anew

I ponder about the time

Is it any better?

Am I healing?

How can I answer?

Truthfully I cannot

Better? I do not know

How can it really be better?

It’s different in many ways

The wound is still raw

Never fully healing

Yet not openly weeping

But always a reminder of loss

The intensity has changed

Like an unknown texture

Against the skin and mind

Irritating yet bearable

The quantity varies with time

Some moments always there

Others underneath the surface

Waiting for a jolt to resurface

Time has changed it

The grief, the loss, the heartbreak

Always there, always to be

Yet somehow different with time

Surviving each moment

Living a part of my life

That stopped in time

Yet moves forward everyday

Better? I do not know

Different? In many ways

Bearable? Is there a choice?

For his life lives on with me

EA Gay

December 24, 2006

11:40pm

SOLITUDE

I seek the  and silence

Needing time alone this day

Leaving behind the unwrapped gifts

And children playing among them

My heart takes over

And the pain won’t stop

As I can no longer hide

Retreating to let the tears flow free

And face the heartbreak

Crashing down and over again

In the midst of this day

I know this time will pass

The tears will slow with release

And finally stop again

As I seek that hidden strength

To rejoin the festivities

Masking the grief as life continues

One more day ahead

EA Gay

December 25, 2006

11:04 AM