This page contains poems I have written since Wayne's death.  I plan to continue writing and adding poetry.  I do not sit down to write...the words just begin forming inside my mind and I rush to get them on paper.  I believe, that many times, the poems come from Wayne and his love.   Hopefully one day, my poems will be more positive rather than grief-stricken.  As of  October 2004, I have poems being published in two different books.  The poems are: TODAY'S THE DAY & QUIET SOBS.

Grief is like a texture

Sometimes it is like a spike, jagged in your heart

Sometimes it is like tar, sticky with desperation

 Sometimes it is icy, cold with fear

Sometimes it is hollow, a void in our lives

But most of the time it is wet, from all the tears that are cried

EA Gay

The following poems were written in the midst of pain and heartbreak…many times the words would just begin to flow into my mind and I would stop what I was doing and begin to write. Many times, the tears flowed as freely as the words... yet there seemed to be a healing of some sort taking place as I watched the words take shape on the page.  Some of these poems may be repeated on other pages because they also belong with that page's subject. This picture was taken on March 15, 2000….it is Wayne standing beside me ..before my wedding.  I was so proud to have him walk me down the aisle to his Stepdad. I chose this picture because it is one of the few where we are looking at each other - rather than the camera.  Plus we are both smiling.

REMEMBER HIM

“What can I do to help?’ is the question most asked

And the reply is usually just 'pray'

So pray for Wayne and that he’s safe and found peace

And that his pain has been taken away

No matter whether you knew him as Wayne or as Will

Pray for him,  his families and all of the friends

And remember him in life and that fact that he lived

And not in death nor the that way he died

His life was a gift….one that will continue to give and to grow

His death is a tragedy and a loss too great for words

Now when you ask ‘what can I do?’

The reply is “Pray and  take time to truly remember him”

Remember his love for his family and his friends

Remember his laugh and and his gentleness inside

Remember his love of nature and being outdoors

Remember him in good times and in the places he loved

And those memories will keep him alive

Take time to imagine…envision his smiles

That shy smile that looked like he was hiding behind it

That funny smile where his blue eyes would twinkle so bright

That mischievous smile with the corners of his mouth turned up

And that loving smile that simply said ‘this is me and I love you’

His life is now inside each of us…in our hearts and minds

And we all have our own Wayne memories and stories to tell

He was so very special and loved by so many

And it’s up to us now to help keep his life going

Take time to remember… to remember just Wayne

And to remember him not in death

Remember him in life and that he lived..and that he still

lives inside us

EA Gay

November 12, 2003

Could I Change Your Mind?

 Would one more hug and "I love you"

Make you change your mind?

Would giving encouragment more often

Make you change your mind?

Would realizing it's not just 'teenage years'

Make you change your mind?

 Would listening closer to what you say

Make you change your mind?

Would asking for your opnion more

Make you change your mind?

Would spending more time together

Make you change your mind?

Would going back and doing things differently

Make you change your mind?

Would answering your last phone call

Make you change your mind?

Would coming there when you were missing

Make you change your mind? 

Would seeing how many people said good-bye

Make you change your mind?

Would knowing the pain I feel now

Make you change your mind?

Is there anything I could have said or done

To make you change your mind?

I'll always wonder and never know

If I could have changed your mind

EA Gay

February 12, 2004

2:00pm

To My Friends

Dear friend, I know these times are key

Please understand, it’s all new to me

I may not call or email you right away

But every morning is another day

I don’t keep up with calenders , days or time

It slips away before it crosses my mind

My emails are disjointed and sometimes not quite there

You’re in my mind though, please don’t despair

It’s all I can do to get through some days

And my ‘to-do’ list get tossed far away

My friendships I value and want to keep

Yet some days are surviving just within my reach

The phone may ring and messages said

But my mind may be consumed with just getting fed

It’s not easy surviving this great and painful loss

My emotions go high and low and more than tossed

I worry about you and want you to know

I love you dearly and don’t plan to let go

It’s going to take time before I figure it out

I’m somebody new …without a doubt

I don’t know why or who I am anymore

But hope you are waiting with an open door

My friend, I love you and treasure you so

I’m here and surviving the highs and the lows

Be patient with me as I travel this new journey

And try to figure out my loss and who I will be

I don’t know where I’m going each new day

But the words ‘my friend’ are there for me to say

I need you and hope that you will be there

As my heart and my life seeks great repair

A day will come when I will ‘be me’

But who is ‘me’..only time will see.

EA Gay

February 15, 2004

11:55pm

REALITY 

The quiet of the night

Deafens my ears

And keeps my mind awake

Visions of your face

In front of my eyes

My heart bleeds once again

Hearing your voice

Gentle whispers breeze by

As I reach out to find you

Refusing to accept

As reality slithers in

My body reacts in pain

Knowing you’re gone

But feeling you’re near

Tears stream down unhindered

Your anguish is over

My suffering begins

Continuing until the end

Trying to focus

On heavenly grace

And angels around me

Knowing we’ll meet

Some day and some time

I’ll see you and hold you again

You’re now in His arms

Safe and secure

Waiting until I come

The day will arrive

And you will be there

To take my hand and guide me

Through fields of flowers

Always in bloom

With rainbows streaming over

Our lives will be one

Together again

To live in His world of love

EA Gay

February 21, 2004

Dear Mom & Dear Dad

I wanted you to know that ” I am here”

I watch over you every day and each night

And wish I could stop the tears

My choice was not made to bring you this grief

But more to stop my pain

The moment I decided was not very real

But I just did not know where to turn

You’ve been there with me all these years

How I wish I had remembered that then

I wanted to spare you yet caused more aches

Than if I had stayed and fought

Your tears are so painful to watch and to know

That they are caused by me

There is something that I must now tell you

To help you get through the years ahead

The end of my time was the beginning of another

And in His arms I now find comfort

He was there with me, but I did not see

Until the end came quickly

His arms wrapped around me and filled me with love

That matched none other than yours

The moment I left and began again

His presence assured me I was okay

“I am here” in my life and in yours too

yet you are so far away

Dear Mom & Dear Dad

I love you so much and there’s something I want you to know

One day I will be there to welcome you here

And we’ll be together forever again

EAGay

February 26, 2004

10:48pm

‘Waynes’ Woods

Swaying, thrashing, tossed about

Reaching up higher and higher

Crashing, shaking, fighting for life

Only to slowly tumble forward

Violently ripping the earth beneath

Silently falling to the ground

A deafening noise accompanies the fall

Barely heard over the sounds of mankind

The brutal slaying of nature

Elimination of hideouts and homes

Disappearing lives and memories

Never to return again

Replaced by progress and life

Intruding on nature’s glory

Trees are torn down and cleared away

Taking part of Wayne with them

Clearing his paths and trails away

To never be walked again

The sights he saw through his eyes

Survive only in my mind

A part of Wayne and a part of me

Existed in ‘his’ woods

Our times spent walking and following trails

Sharing something he dearly loved

Witnessing the slaying of ‘his’ woods

Brings tears and pain again

To see it all disappear before my eyes

Shatters my bleeding heart

The chances to walk those places again

Coldly ripped out and stolen away

But in my heart and mind I know

Those memories cannot be erased

Wayne will always be with me

Our times together strongly held

Deep and dear inside my heart

Despite the destruction of ‘his’ woods

EA Gay

March 2, 2004

9:39pm

THE VISION

The vision is clear but seen through a mist

A shield to protect my heart

The mist flows gently and softly glows

Around a clearing in the woods

Here Wayne sits with God beside him

His hand resting on Wayne’s shoulder

He recognizes Wayne’s greatest time of need

And the tears stream down His face

I can feel His unquesitoning love flow freely

And His patience to love and accept

He is not there to judge nor condemn

The final choice of my son on this night

Here is where the vision starts to change

And my heart tells me that it is time

The Lord places his arms around Wayne’s shoulders

And turns him away from my sight

All motion slows down and Wayne is now hidden

While Angels appear to surround them

No longer can I see my son

As the heavenly wings completely shelter him

The moonnlight filters down through the trees

And there is a moment of stillness

I sense that something has definitely changed

And although I cannot see, I know

Our loved ones are gathering to welcome him Home

To the kingdom of peace and love

Wayne made a choice and carried it through

Yet he was never alone

The Lord was there to give him strength

To love him despite the choice

He brought Wayne Home safe and secure

And left his pains behind

Wayne lives on in spirit and love

Within our hearts and minds

One day we’ll be together again

But for now, I have my memories

EA Gay

March 5, 2004

10:21 pm   (Full Moon)

NUMBERS OF LIFE

Numbers in boxes

Neatly arranged in rows

Seven boxes across each time

Thirty-five boxes total

Numbers with no meaning

Numbers with importance

Numbers to generate tears

Numbers to dictate life

Daily numbers organize

Create a sense of time

Give value to the present

And plans for the future

Numbers in boxes counted

Numbers critical to live

Numbers vital to memory

Numbers to dictate life

My numbers now have altered

Changed how I see each day

As I walk by the calendar

And see the dates exposed

Numbers to remind me

Numbers to ‘count down’

Numbers of his life

Numbers of his death

The calendar calling to me

Although I try to ignore

Wanting only Monday through Friday

Avoiding those numbered dates

Calendars intensify my pain

Specific dates given power

Anniversaries of last touched

And anniversaries of his death

Numbers dictate life

EA Gay

March 9, 2004

9:33pm

 THE PIT

How Can I Have A Birthday Without You?

42 years of my life

16 with you always there

Today starts my new year without

How do I feel?

So lost and confused

Hurting and heartbreaking loss

Birthdays now?

How can I celebrate?

You are not here with me

I miss your call and your hug

Along with your old-age jokes

And just hearing your voice today

How does life go on?

How can I keep growing older?

when you will always be 16?

Birthdays hurt

For now anyway

It’s a reminder of you I’ve lost

Birthday’s heal

Hopefully one day

Letting me know life continues

A sign to keep going?

To make me step forward?

Rather than stay in one place?

My love for you grows

Even without you here

But you’ll always be 16

Hope?

 Hope does not come easily

To someone who has survived

The suicide of a loved one

Such loss tears at the heart and soul

And leaves no room for hope

Yet it slowly begins to creep back in

Hope comes in so many ways

For the end of the turmoil surrounding life

For the chance to ‘feel’ normal again

(I was asked to write a poem about 'hope'.  I struggled for days and could not find any hope. 

The words that came forth seemed so false.   It took me over a week to produce 4 poems about 'hope')

Hope

With a baby’s birth

Are also the hopes, dreams and goals

Given birth by the parents and family

The parents dare to think of the future

To build their hopes and dreams

With the child to fulfill

As the child grows and matures

The parents re-evaluate constantly

And those hopes, dreams and goals may change

The child also hopes, dreams and makes goals

Over and over through the years

As new experiences develop fresh thoughts

What happens when the child is gone?

And those hopes, dreams and goals

Are ripped out of the parent’s hearts

I’m told they all still exist

But where I do not know

EA Gay

April 26, 2004

HOPE THROUGH THE DARKNESS

 Hope in Spring

 Was that hope that I felt today?

A fleeting touch that brushed me by

 As I dug into the damp ground

Needing to connect with the earth and life

Was that hope that I was seeking today?

Planting seeds to bring forth blooms and colors

Into an otherwise colorless world

That surrounds me in my waking moments

Was that hope that I dared to want today?

While planting seeds for things new and fresh

To brighten the days as the sun peeks out

Through the clouds that constantly float over

Was that hope that I recognized today?
A sense of dreams being created in my mind

A feeling I have not felt in the months past

Which were full of emptiness and shadows

Was that hope that I can now feel?

A glimmer of light in my days ahead

A feeling of acknowledging life

Rather than only the death of my child

Was that hope that I can look for?

And see the fresh flowers on the plants

Instead of just the dying blooms

The evidence of life and hope within Spring.

EA GAY

April 27, 2004

9:20am

OH, MOTHER’S DAY

Squeals of delight bursting forth

Chubby arms wrapped around your neck

One cheek pressed hard against your jaw

In a hug that never seems to end

The beautiful words -  “Lob you Mommy’

Trusting and loving with no doubt

Oh, What a wonderful Mother’s Day!

One tear slips out of the corner of an eye

Only to be followed by another and another

Trembling lips to keeping silent cries inside

Swallowing hard trying to defeat the pain

The enormous aching loss of hugs and kisses

And of the words “I love you Mom”

Oh, What a heartbreaking Mother’s Day!

One man - there by your side

Silently wishing to take the pain away

Wanting to make everything right again

To bring smiles and laughter into your world

Wishing for life back in your heart and soul

And the joys of your living child alive

Oh, What a magnificent man on Mother’s day

Bringing these three all together as one

Memories of the loved one lost forever

A young child with unquestioning love

The man who captured your heart in love

All three in one mind, one heart, and one life

Thoughts of all three – and all of their love

Oh, Happy Mother’s Day!

EA Gay

May 1, 2004

10:12pm

(This poem is dedicated to Wayne, his little sister, Lauren and my husband, Jan. 

The first part written is about Lauren; the second part is the loss of Wayne:

the third part is written about Jan and his strength, support and  love)

Parent’s Support Group

My friends are new

In a place I do not know

And They are always there

When I need to cry

Or yell and scream

And They are always there

I get answers to my questions

That may seem strange to others

And They are always there

I have not seen their faces

Nor ever heard their voice

Yet They are always there

They hold my hand

Day or night

And They are always there

My friends are here in a group

Made up from across the world

Yet They are always there

They have claimed a spot inside

Deep within my heart

And They are always there

The quest to survive

Is something that we share

And They are always there

A blessing was bestowed

To help me meet these friends

Thank God, They are always there

(This poem is dedicated to my Parent Survivor online group)

SIGNS

I sat beside your grave today,

And talked and cried some too

There always seems so much to say,

My thoughts keep tumbling  askew.

The sun shines down from above

Creating sparkles in your Stone

Mirroring my tears of the lost love

As I spend this time with you alone

A constant breeze stirs the flowers around

As I watch a small butterfly land near

Orange and black wings fluttering without a sound

It’s presence seems to calm my tears

It stays beside me for quite some time

Sitting on one long blade of grass

I began to wonder if it is a sign

A remembrance of our past

When the butterfly slowly flies away

I continue to sit on the damp ground

Speaking to you all the things I need to say

Six Months

Exactly six months ago today

We gathered here in a very different way

Our hearts were broken and the pain was raw

As we questioned your final act of all

Our focus today is not just missing you

But celebrating your life in your years too few

Our thoughts on memories of love and fun

And remembering things with you we had done

We’ll speak our memories and maybe a prayer

As we come together with your life to share

Balloons with messages released to float up high

We’ll watch them disappear into the blue sky

Sending our messages in the sky above

Family and friends are here with love

Forever we are with you in our hearts

Even though physically we are apart

Our memories may take us to more pleasant places

Dislodging the pain of the heart-broken spaces

Today as we are here to remember you

Together with love and friendship as we do

Sixteen years in our lives and hearts do we cherish

May the good times not be forgotten or perish

The heartbreak is overwhelming at times

But if we look we can see the signs

From rainbows, to butterflies and shooting stars

Your love is being recognized from afar

One day we’ll be with you once again

But for now our we are with your family and friends

We are here today to celebrate the life of Wayne

And to share the treasures that we gained

Remembering him as a special person in our lives

We’ll never need to say a final good-bye

We love you Wayne.

EA Gay

May 11, 2004

 1:04am.

(This poem was read at CELEBRATE WAYNE...his 6th month anniversary)

SIX MONTHS AGO WE SAID GOOD-BYE

Six months ago, we said good-bye

To sixteen years out of our lives

We’re here today with Wayne’s family & friends

With sixteen balloons and messages to send

To remember the smiles, the laughter and good times

To share out memories and to ease our minds

As we watch each balloon float away

It gives a memory for another day

With each release, let some of the grief go too

And fill the space with comfort and peace as you do

Allow the burden to be lifted from your heart

And our time together to provide a new start

When you think of Wayne and the time spent with him

Remember his love for his family and friends

And know that he wouldn’t want you in pain

But to remember the good memories to go with his name

Take a few minutes to think of the good

And remember Wayne, as he would hope you could

EA Gay

May 14, 2004

7:45pm

Stories shared, memories found,

tears flowing freely all around

friends and family in one place

all remembering one special face

blue, red, yellow , green balloons in the sky

floating as we release them free to fly

memories lovingly written on each one

gusting winds pushing them into the sun

fluffy white clouds in the sky of blue

creating memories in our minds that will be new

balloons floating free

tears falling, hearts beating, release of grief

specks of color almost out of sight

eyes straining for the last glimpse of flight

hugs given, tears wiped away

smiles push forth, laughter is heard today

Wayne is with us, memories all around

Being remembered in the good that we found

EA Gay

May 15, 2004

2:15am

(balloon clipart @http://www.clipart.co.uk)

HOW DO I TELL YOU?

How do I tell you about your brother?

When all I wish is for you to remember

The times he was with you

And his obvious love and pride for you

How do I explain that your brother’s an angel?

His life is now in heaven

One day you will be with him again

And I know he’ll welcome you with open arms

How do I explain it was his decision to end it?

That his pain was greater than I knew

His desire to end the pain was overwhelming

And that he took his own life

How do I explain that I’m worried about you too?

When the times comes to tell you his story

His story of his life and his death

And how you will react when you understand

How do I explain that I’m scared of when you turn 16?

All the fears that I’ll have to accept and face

Or the memories  I’ll be living with again

And the worry of your following his footsteps

How do I explain that he loved you so much?

Yet that love was buried in anguish

Our love wasn’t strong enough to hold him

As he made his plans to leave us

How do I explain that he wrote a note to us all?

Including a few lines for you

That said you can grow up to be somebody

And that big brother loves you

He was so full of love and such pride

He held you gently in his arms

He shared stories and pictures of you with all

And always asked how or where you were

Your big brother loved you deeply

Your presence would light up his face

And when you called him ‘Way’

He had a special grin just for you

When and how do I tell you these things?

How old is old enough to know?

Is it a life time of revealing it all?

In hopes that you will understand

How do I tell you about your big brother?

THE MAN IN THE MOON

Do you remember the man in the moon?

In the stories from your childhood days?

He’s back to visit me again

But I see him in different ways

His face is not as clear as before

His features seem to have changed

His face distorted by the clouds

And with a sadness I have not seen

He was there on Wayne’s last night

Watching from above

A full moon shining down on my son

As he made his final decision

How can I look at that moon anymore?

And see the beauty in it?
I only see sadness and memories there

Reminding me of that night

I waited and waited for Wayne to come home

Told he was on the way

Looking at the moon and hoping it was there

To light up his way to me

Little did I know at that time

The end had already passed

And Wayne was with  our heavenly Lord

Wrapped safely in His arms

In my mind, it’s too painful to remember

And my heart breaks once again

As I remember that night I waited so long

For Wayne to come home again

Do you remember the man in the moon?

In the stories from your childhood days?

I’ll never see him that way again

No matter how much I wish

The innocence of those stories told

When I was young and small

And the man in the moon was just a face

But now he seems to know all

His face seems to tell me that he saw

And that he knows all  about Wayne

His features are no longer innocent

And seems to hide from me

Maybe it’s the clouds that are passing by

Or is it the sad memories?

I hope the moon was beautiful that night

For I know how Wayne treasured it

A full moon meant more in the sky

Than it did to most folks

Wayne looked for it every month

And knew the life beneath it

He knew the deer and animals abound

And forage during those nights

His time of nature and life continuing

Yet he chose then to end it

The full moon was shining bright that night

And maybe the last thing he saw

I hope it was peaceful in his mind

And gave him some kind of comfort

I imagine the Lord descending form above

With a light much brighter than the moon

And wrapping His arms around Wayne that night

And spreading His heavenly love

The full moon was shining on that night

But the Lord’s presence was brighter

I know he took my son by the hand

And lead him to His heavenly lands

Maybe the man in the moon was there

And guided Wayne through the night

Maybe his face was the ‘eyes’ of our Lord

And his arms were the light around him.

July 5, 2004  11:24pm

EA Gay

'MY WAYNE”

When I look at your picture and into those blue eyes...

I try to remember those infant to maturing young man ways

And all the wonderful times we had during those days

Your constant mischevious grins that I deeply miss

As I long for onemore childhood hug and kiss

My heart now has a hole that is exactly your size

As I plead with my mind to stop questioning the ‘whys’

I’ll miss you forever and always have you near

Your were my first born child and all so very dear

No one can take the place of my son  or ‘My Wayne’

No one can banish the loss and the ever present pain

I try to look ahead to that day we’ll meet in His land

And you will be there to guide me with your loving hands

Your time in my life was short and too quickly gone

But our next time together gets closer with each new dawn

Your angel wings touches and signs that you send to me

Are moments of happiness and to my heart the key

I’ll love you forever and even beyond that day

You’ll always be my son – my very special Wayne. 

EA Gay

June 24, 2004

8:38am

Nine Months

Nine months it was, to you I gave birth

You came into our lives and took your place on earth

I held you so tight and whispered words of love

And prayed that you will be watched by our Lord above

I innocently promised  to protect you from all harm and strife

Unknowing that 16 years later, you would end your life

I remember those days and nights with baby cries and wails

And how I was so scared as a parent I would fail

You stole my heart in a way that was only for you

And from that moment on, my life changed forever too

I have to wonder now, what thoughts I would have voiced

If I had known 16 years ago that you would make this choice

Nine months it took and you gave me a whole new life

I became your Mother, and not just someone’s wife

I discovered, oh such joy, as you grew each and every day

Now 16 years later, I’m stumbling to find my way

The pain and heartbreak threaten to overrule my world

A world so distant from the day I became a mother and not just a girl

The irony of today, is cruel and comparison brings tears

As I remember the nine months of waiting to hold you so near

Now it's nine months again, yet shadowed by my loss

Trying to regain life despite not knowing the cause

A different period of time but the same number of days

Tears and whispered words of love in a painful way

Nine months I’d rather remember the joy than the pain

Of holding close, my dear and beloved son, Wayne

 EA GAY

August 2, 2004

12:08am