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~FOR SURVIVORS OF SUICDE~
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They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.
~William Penn |
| FOR SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE...
Suicide does not end in death...it begins a nightmare of living for the surviving loved ones.
~ EA Gay~
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This page contains poems, articles and other information that have been crucial in my healing process. Many of the items on this page speak of the loss of a child, but I hope that these items can help anyone who has lost a loved one by suicide.
I have come to understand how critical it is to reach out to other survivors...to talk about our experiences and to share our lives....they are the only ones who can truly understand this life-changing grief and heartbreak. If you are a survivor, I am sorry for your loss and hope you find something here that will help you as you travel through your journey of grief.
As a 'fellow survivor', I will walk with you on your journey of healing....somedays I will walk beside you, matching you step for step. Other days, I will either be ahead or behind you, but close by. Many days I will be holding you up, as you stumble and swagger through the pain. And on other days, there will be someone else there to hold me up, as I sink down onto the path of healing.
Take time to find the gentle moments in the day...some days those moments seem nonexistant yet those moments are important to our healing.
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| Advice From Judy....'YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT...BUT YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO GET THROUGH IT' |
My dear neighbor was an elderly woman who always spoke highly of my children and looked forward to seeing them. Her name was Judy. She was suffering from cancer and going through surgery and preventive treatment at the time of Wayne's death. We had hoped to keep the news from her until she was stronger but it leaked out and I understand she was extremely upset. At this time, she was recovering from surgery and not able to be at home.
We had to go out of town the first week of December and arrived home to find Judy in her home with Hospice coming daily. I remember thinking 'I'm not sure if I could deal with another death'. We went to see her the next day. Judy and I shared many tears over Wayne...and how unexpected and unbelieveable his suicide was to us both. She spoke of losing her husband several years earlier and although she knew he was not going to survive his disease...it was still painful and 'life-altering' for her.
I still remember the moment Judy looked at me, with tears streaming down her face. We were holding hands and crying together over our losses. She looked me in the eyes and said "'I've been waiting to tell you this........you will NEVER get over it...but you can learn how to get through it."
Judy passed away the very next day.
I took Judy's words to heart and have lived by them everyday since she said them to me. I have shared these words with other survivors, in hopes that her words will touch them as much as they touched me. |
| A Bereaved Parent's Wish List..
To help others understand how a Parent Survivor may be feeling or coping:
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A Bereaved Parent's Wish List..
I wish my child hadn't died.
I wish I had him back.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you would know it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief.
I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork or other rememberences from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more then ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, a note or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child untill the day I die.
I am working very hard on my recovery but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy" Neither will happen for a very long time.
I don't want to have a "pity party" but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I heal.
I wish you understood how my life has been shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.
When I say,"I am doing okay" I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions that I'm having are normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming saddness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is to much and fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I am doing good to handle one hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, that's certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away I wish you would let me find a quiet place to be alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray daily that you will never understand!
© 1998 Kathy Freeman |
| Inspirational Quote: |
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to
look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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| PLEASE BE GENTLE
An After Loss Creed...by Jill Engler |
"Please Be Gentle"
An After Loss Creed by Jill Engler
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul as
I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, "WHY?"
At times, my grief overwhelms me,
and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story. I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
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| DEAR SURVIVOR: A LETTER TO YOU by Eleanora Ross... |
Dear Survivor: A Letter to You
Eleanora Ross
Used With Permission Bereavement Publishing, Inc.
It is said that death is part of life; that it is the other side of birth. I believe that death can also give meaning to life, a meaning that may escape you now while your grief is fresh and raw, but which may someday bring a special quality of peace to your spirit.
As terrible as your loss seems now, you will survive it even though that may seem unbelievable right now. Once that happens, you will have touched upon a new and incredible inner strength. But for now you may be a mixture of thoughts and feelings. Despair, longing, anger, guilt, frustration, questions and even understanding, tumble over each other, striving for but not quite reaching comprehensible sense and shape. You seek relief - you need to heal. It is a journey, and you must work on it.
And so, cry.
The pain is real, but the tears are healing. Often we must struggle through an emotion to find the relief beyond.
And so, talk.
Talk to each other about your loss and pain. Don't hide or deny real feelings. Tell others that you need them. The more you deny something or address it in silence, the more it can claim destructive power over you.
And so, search.
Over and over, you will ask "Why?" It is a question you must ask. Though you may never find an answer, realize that it is still important to wrestle with the "why" question for a time. Eventually, you will be content to give
up the search. When you can willingly let go of the need to question "why," it will lose its hold over you, but it will take time.
And so, speak.
Speak as often and freely of your loved one as you need to. He or she will always be a part of you. Not to speak of the deceased denies his or her existence. To speak of the deceased affirms his or her life. Believe that
in time, the pain of loss fades and is replaced by precious memories to be shared.
And so, grieve.
This time of sorrow can be used to draw! a family together or pull it apart. You may be one who needs to feel and express guilt so that eventually you will gain a more balanced view of your actual responsibility. You may need to give yourself permission to feel and express anger even though you think it's inappropriate.
And so, grow.
We know we cannot control all that happens to us, but we can control how we choose to respond. We can choose to overcome and survive it. When we choose to grieve constructively and creatively, we come to value life with
a new awareness.
And so, become.
Become the most you can become. Enter into a new dimension of self-identity and self-dependence as you come to love others more fully and unconditionally. In letting go of love, we give it freedom to return to us. Become all that your loved one's death has freed you to become.
And so, accept.
Accept that in some strange way, his or her death may enable you to reach out with a new understanding, offering a new dimension of love to others. I believe in a loving God Who is with us, offering strength, guidance and solace as we struggle with our anguish. I believe as we regain balance and meaning in our shattered lives, we can come to see that death can indeed bring a new meaning to life.
This is my prayer for all of us.
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| The Mourner's Bill of Rights |
The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Allan Wolfiet, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE YOU OWN UNIQUE GRIEF.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT YOU GRIEF.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3.YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL A MULTITUDE OF EMOTIONS.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings with out condition.
4. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TOLERANT OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL LIMITS.
Your feeling of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what you body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5.YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE "GRIEFBURSTS"
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief my overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE USE OF RITUAL.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to morn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY.
If faith is a part of you life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEARCH FOR MEANING.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliché-ed responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will," or "Think of what you have to thankful for," are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREASURE YOUR MEMORIES.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOVE TOWARD YOUR GRIEF AND HEAL.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
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| Characteristics of Grief... |
Characteristics of Grief
by Helen Fitzgerald, CDE
It is difficult for the person experiencing grief to function 100%. Thus, this is not the time to make major decisions or changes in your life like selling your home, moving to another city, or taking a new job. If possible slow down and allow yourself time to adjust to your loss. Avoid adding to your losses by making major adjustments to your life.
FORGETFULNESS Because appointments may be missed, keys locked in the care, purses left behind, work reports left at home, etc., write things down. Don't leave important things to memory. Develop a checklist to review before leaving the house.
DISORGANIZATION You may find that it takes longer to finish a task. Time may not be managed as well. All this is normal; you aren't losing your mind!
INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE AND RETAIN INFORMATION It may be impossible to stay focused on a task. It may be difficult to read a book or even stick with a favorite TV program. reading may take longer and it might help to highlight important points, outline or even read "out loud" rather than to yourself. Since mistakes or errors may increase, routinely double check your work or ask someone to do it for you.
PREOCCUPATION WITH THE LOSS This is a time when one's mind wanders and it is hard to stay on task. Unplanned thoughts of the loss may enter your head at any time or at any place. Be extra careful while driving your car. This is so often the place where your mind wanders anyway, and concentration is not what it should be. I know of dozens of people who have reported going through red lights, just not seeing them or bumping into the car in front of them, not seeing the brake lights go on. Being aware of this, have someone else drive you, if possible. If you must drive, use extra caution, and stay out of the fast lane!
LACK OF INTEREST OR MOTIVATION You may find that things just don't matter as much now. It is difficult to be interested in anything. Life has taken on a temporarily different meaning. All this is normal.
LOWERED TOLERANCE LEVEL Your patience may not be what it used to be. Your fuse may be shorter and you may lose patience more quickly. Minor irritations may have become bigger and more quarreling within your family, at work or with your friends may go on. Try to have patience with those around you and explain to them when you are having a bad day and what you need from them to help you through it.
CHRONIC FATIGUE Grief is exhausting and in addition to that you may not be sleeping, eating or exercising as you should. Try to have patience with yourself and gradually get back on the routine you had before the loss.
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| THE PIT By Sandy Goodman.... |
The bereaved have a special place they go to. A place in their mind, but outside of their day to day lives. As if pulled by unseen hands, with heads bowed, they descend into the void. Some may go immediately after a loss, while others wait until the fog lifts and the reality of their situation becomes clear. I, along with many, call this place the pit. A hole. A cavity. A place without light.
Described as a despicable, frightening place, the pit is not on anyone's list of "places I want to visit." Even while we are there, using the pit as a buffer, we curse its existence. But lately, as I think of my time spent there, I understand how necessary its presence is.
Here, amongst the living, we must act as if we are "doing okay." We must cry in the shower or in our cars, eat as if we are hungry, and feel compassion for the mother whose child has failed a class. Above ground, outside of the pit, we are expected to be over it in a set amount of time. We must let our friends and family relax and we certainly shouldn't make them uncomfortable by mentioning their name. Life goes on...and so must we. And so we seek refuge in a pit of pain, a space where only those who grieve seek solace.
We go to the pit to feel our grief. We need that space where we can hold our pain close to us. We need to feel every little prick, every stab, every barrage of excruciating agony. We need to cry out in the night, scream at the universe, and spew obscenities at those who have stolen what is ours. We need to talk to our loved one who has left us too soon, and we need to listen to what they have to say about their leaving. We need to not eat if we're not hungry, stay awake if we can't sleep, and sleep all day if we need to. We need a place to be sad. And nothing more. We cannot do that here in the real world. Not without reproach.
And so we sink into the pit of suffering. We take with us the things we hold priceless, the shirt he wore that last night, the class ring she never got to see, and the teddy bear he slept with since he was a week old. A picture or two, a candle for light, and the most important thing, the pain that connects us to them. We may stay a few months or a few years, but while we are there, we are safe. Nothing worse can happen.
The pit forced me to grieve. It offered no excuses, no distractions, and no quick fixes. It protected me from myself, and from those who did not understand my need to feel the gut wrenching pain of my child's death. I am thankful for my time there, not resentful. I needed the solitude and the acceptance I found in the pit. I needed that corner of time to honor the pain I was feeling and to see it again as love. I needed to spend time with my son, learning to see him differently, and remembering what I had always known. Love never dies.
Sandy Goodman
reprinted from Love Never Dies, Newsletter 2004
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| THE PIT - Poem by EA Gay... |
THE PIT
The dark closes in
No light to be seen
Time stands still
Yet seems to go on forever
My hands blindly stretch out
Encountering barriers
Everywhere I turn
The blackness seeps into my mind
And memories of light fail
Desperation floods my soul
And I frantically try to escape
The walls around me collapse in further
Fingers scraping the walls
Knuckles bruised and bloody
A voiceless scream
As I try to climb out
Seeking air
Seeking peace
Seeking comfort
From the darkness of ‘the pit’ of grief
EA Gay
April 7, 2004
9:03pm |
| Ideas for the Anniversary Date of Your Child's (or Loved One's)Death...
by Lynne Rief, San Dimas, CA
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After the flowers were dried up and gone, after the visitors stopped coming, I wondered just what I was supposed to do in the weeks, months and years following my daughter's death. Would I be the only one who remembered her? Determined that each year she would still be remembered, I began to keep a list of the wonderful remembrance ideas that other parents have used on the anniversary day of their child's death. Some of these ideas take a lot of planning months in advance, but others can be done easily in minutes or hours with very little effort. Whatever you do for that special day, make a plan.
1. Create a scholarship and present it on that day. This can be for a school or an organization that is meaningful to you. There are always children who need a financial helping hand. Make sure that you clear this in advance with the officials who may need to set up a time of day and organize a gathering for the presentation.
2. Take flowers, toys, etc. to other kids in a hospital. It can be hard to revisit a place where your child may have spent much time, but it can also be very healing. Donate money or memorial gifts to a hospital, church or children's group.
3. Make a memory stepping stone with your child's name and add trinkets. This can be done as a family project and set in a place where you can see it year `round.
4. Give away something that belonged to your child, and include the story of why that item is going to a certain person or place. It can become a source of comfort to know that something of your child's will be cherished by another.
5. Make your child's clothes into something else. One family I know made pillows to sleep on for each of their other children. Other ideas are to create a quilt or stuffed toy to cuddle. Customize the items by including your child's picture or name and special dates.
6. Have a T-shirt made with your child's picture on it and wkar it all that day. Make T-shirts for other family members, too.
7. Buy something your child would have liked-not to give away, but to keep as a memento for the day.
8. Make scrapbooks or fill frames with pictures of your child. Buy a hope chest or armoire or shadow box and store in them the most precious things that belonged to your child.
9. Decorate something (a cabinet or library shelves) at your child's school. Customize it with his or her name and significant dates.
10. Do the unveiling of the marker with friends or have a foot marker made. Spend time sitting in the cemetery, arranging new things on the grave or leaving flowers. Make a grave blanket or spread his or her cremains in a ceremony on that day.
11. Have a balloon send-off on that day, or use butterflies or birds or even a kite. On the balloons, you can write special messages or insert flower seeds that will scatter.
12. Go to the library and read grief books. Take a box of tissues and pretend you have a cold.
13. Cook your child's favorite meal or eat at his or her favorite restaurant.
14. Have a star named after your child (www.starregistry.com) or support other memorials. An example is The Southport Lighthouse in Kenosha, Wisconsin. (www.griefwarehouse.org/southportlight.html)
15. Have a sketch, a portrait or a sculpture of your child done by a professional. Or, have a doll made in the likeness of your child. Many parents are happy with these lookalikes.
16. Have a piece of jewelry made with your child's name or picture on it. An inexpensive option is to make it yourself, using alphabet beads and a small picture of your child.
17. Get a tattoo with your child's name or a special image that reminds you of your child.
18. Give everyone a ribbon on that day and tell them what it's for. If your child died of cancer, a gold ribbon is traditional to mark that disease.
19. Donate blood or platelets on that day. There is always a need for blood products. If you child needed them, what better way to remember him or her than by giving some back.
20. Light a candle, say a prayer. This can be done in the privacy of your home, in solitude, or in a public place such as a church or a park.
21. Hold an annual charity event, i.e., a golf tournament or charity race/walk. This can be very time consuming, so enlist lots of help for this choice. The rewards culminate on the big day.
22. Get involved in a cause, volunteering your time and efforts toward something that is already established. There are annual stamp campaigns, food pantries and many children's charities that could use a helping hand.
23. Adopt a child for a day and do what you would have done with your child. My child loved the movies and eating at fast food restaurants. Other children may enjoy boating or theme parks-whatever fun is available.
24. Start or update a web page for your child. Many children become known because their web pages are shared by their parents.
25. Compose a poem or song and send it to everyone you know. This is a beautiful way to share a loving tribute to a child.
26. Plant a tree or a bush or a flower garden in memory of your child. This can be done on your property or at your child's school. We also have a tree at the baseball field where our daughter loved to play ball.
27. Watch videos of your child if you have them.
28. Reread all the cards, notes and letters you saved from the days after your child died. Write notes to those whose messages especially touched you.
29. Reach out to a newly bereaved parent. Think of things you wish someone had said to you, or be prepared to just listen to them talk. It is the best gift you can give.
30. Ask others to write down a memory or impression of your child. Read them aloud at a gathering such an open house or at a party for all your child's friends. Set up a remembrance table with some of your child's special things.
31. Have a new family picture done, but include a large picture of your child or an object that reminds you of your child.
32. Whatever it is that you choose to do on that day, be prepared to lead the way in talking about your child. For it is in planning something special that you can create good memories and happy times on a day that seems to bring only sadness. May the day give you some peace.
reprinted with permission from Bereavement Magazine May/June 2002
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| RELIGIOUS REFLECTIONS ON SUICIDE by LaRita Archibald... |
My Christian beliefs have never been questioned as much as they have been since Wayne's death. The following article is extremely important to me because of the debate on whether suicide is a sin and whether suicides go to heaven or hell. Now that I understand the history behind those two 'theories', I have been able to develop my own sense of comfort and truly believe Wayne is in heaven and now an angel. As someone explained to me: "God will not turn his back on someone in his greatest moment of need...and this was Wayne's greatest moment of need."
RELIGIOUS REFLECTIONS ON SUICIDE
LaRita Archibald
After the suicide of my son, my concern for the repose of his soul caused me great anxiety. This concern resulted from my religious education in conflict with my understanding of a compassionate, forgiving God. None of the religious caretakers who tended us after his death offered any relief from my pain. Two years following my son's death, long after I had made my own peace with this, my research provided me with knowledge of suicide in religious history.
The following, in brief, is what I learned. These reflections are intended to relieve anxiety and concern other survivors may have about the religious connotations that surround a self-inflicted death. They do not lend acceptance to suicide as an act or solution.
THE BIBLE
The only Biblical authority is the interpretation of the sixth commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Kill". The Old Testament records suicides, but does not condemn it nor promises a happy afterlife.
Ablimlech - (Judges 9) who killed himself to avoid having it recorded that he was mortally wounded by a woman.
Samson - (Judges 16) who pulled the temple down upon the Philis tines, killing them and praying that he die as well.
Saul - (Samuel 31) and his armor-bearer killed themselves rather than be taken captive by the Philistines.
Ahitophel - (Samuel 17) whose betrayal of David failed.
Zimiri - (Kings 1) burned a building down upon himself.
CHRISTIANITY
The New Testament records one suicide.
Judas Iscariot (Mathew 27) Judas hanged himself after his betrayal of Christ. Theologians have debated, if God did condemn Judas, was it because he killed himself (in remorse for the betrayal) or for the betrayal itself.
The New Testament hails both Samson and Saul as great servants of God. Samson is noted as a great hero of the faith "of whom the world was not worthy". (Hebrews 11)
The advent of Christianity brought marked changes in attitudes toward suicide. At first there were many suicides by early Christians, especially by martyrs who found the attraction of the promised afterlife in paradise greater than the hardships of their life on earth.
The Church could ill afford to lose so many of its supporters at that time, and a quick halt to the rash of suicides was brought about in the 4th Century A.D. when St. Augustine codified the Church's official disapproval of suicide by placing it in a moral framework and condemning it as a grievous sin. As a result, in the Middle Ages, from about the 4th to the 13th century, when the Catholic Church held great sway in Europe, suicide became practically unknown.
Thomas Aquinas, in the 13th century, further specified the Church's attitude toward suicide in his great writings about Church and God, Summa Theologica, when he condemns suicide as unnatural and a usurpation of God's power to dispose at His discretion man's life, death and resurrection. Yet even in this writing, which was to become the center of Christian doctrine, Aquinas takes his arguments from Plato and Aristotle, not from the Bible.
During the 14th and 15th centuries (Renaissance) suicide was severely condemned. This period brought rise to the industrial revolution, the incorporation of the Protestant Ethic into Anglo-Saxon culture, and the rise of Puritanism, a religious outlook that also condemned poverty as sin and unworthiness.
JUDAISM
In addition to the suicides recorded in the Old Testament, two accounts exist from the Maccabean period. Razis, an elder of Jerusalem during the Maccabean revolt, killed himself to avoid being captured by Syrian general Nicanor (II Macc. 14:37- 46). The mother of seven sons murdered by Antiochus IV threw herself upon their funeral pyre (IV Macc. 17:1f).
In the first century A.D. two accounts are recorded. The first involved a group of Jewish soldiers under the command of Josephus. The second was in 73 A.D. when 953 Jews of Masada completed mass suicide to avoid Roman capture.
The TALMUD, written and codified during the early Christian era, specifically condemns suicide. The TALMUD's condemnation of suicide is based on the interpretation of Gen. 9:5 'For your lifeblood I will surely require a reckoning'. Only self-inflicted deaths under extreme situations were acceptable, such as in apostasy, ignominy, and disgrace of capture or torture. The victim and his family were punished by denial of regular burial and the customary rituals of mourning. The severity of this punishment caused rabbis of the time to consider a self-inflicted death as only those announced beforehand and carried out in front of eye witnesses. Modern Jewish scholars believe that the harshest Jewish treatment of suicide was partly due to the negative Christian influence on the subject. (Ch.W. Reines, "The Jewish Attitude Toward Suicide", Judaism, Vol. 10, Spring 1966, p.170.
MOHAMMEDANIS always condemned suicide with the utmost severity, for one of the cardinal teachings of Mohammed was that the Divine Will was expressed in different ways and man must submit himself at all times.
BUDDHISM & BRAHMANISM were both sympathetic to suicide for it denied life's craving and passion. Most oriental philosophies had a common objective, to divorce the body from the soul so that the soul might occupy itself only with super sensual realities.
"The idea of suicide as a crime was a late, relatively sophisticated invention of Christianity strengthened by primitive fears, prejudices and superstitions…" (The Savage God, a study of suicide; A. Alvarez.)
John H. Hewett in After Suicide quotes "If there is forgiveness at all…there is surely forgiveness for suicide" (Karl Barth, Church Dogmatics, Vol. III/4, p. 405; tr by A.T. Mackay et all; T & T Clark, 1961).
Legal and social attitudes about suicide throughout history evolved from canonical law. During the Middle Ages the suicide was deemed as low as the lowest criminal and was discouraged by exhibition and desecration of the body, defamation of the memory and confiscation of the estate by the government, leaving the surviving family ostracized and destitute. Attempters were punished by flogging, imprisonment and were stripped of all social and financial assets. Desecration of the corpse and forfeiture of estate were not legally abolished in England until 1823. In 1961 England repealed its law making attempted suicide a crime; Canada repealed a similar law in 1972. As late as 1974 in the United States, attempting suicide was still considered a crime in nine states.
Compiled 1983, excerpts from The Savage God; A. Alvarez and After Suicide; John Hewett
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| STRATEGIES FOR GROWING THROUGH THE PAIN.... |
Discover a Larger Perspective
Growing through suffering requires shifting our outlook from one in which we feel alone to one in which our experiences, even difficult ones, are related to something larger. Removing your pain from your own dark isolation taking a longer view will help you put your suffering in a new context, and you will see your life as part of a larger plan.
Suggestions:
a.. Explore specific religious or spiritual traditions
b.. Read about your own, and other, spiritual traditions
c.. Take classes in philosophy or other disciplines that explore the "bigger picture"
d.. Investigate your family genealogy
e.. Look to nature
f.. Write down or sketch your thoughts and reflections
Turn Toward Compassion
Seeing the suffering of others puts our own trials in a new perspective, teaching us that we are not alone. Empathy is a natural element of human nature we're prewired to care about each other. When you act with compassion, you will assume responsibility, respect, and commitment to those suffering. And when best expressed, your compassion flows toward yourself as well as others.
Suggestions:
a.. Look at the things you say to yourself when you're in pain. Find a voice that expresses compassion to others and yourself
b.. Fuel your compassion with action: volunteer, help others
c.. Show yourself compassion: find a photo of yourself as a child and use it as a reminder to treat yourself with tenderness and concern
Recognize and Stop Self-Imposed Suffering
A great deal of life's suffering is unavoidable, but there are two areas of our lives in which we often create great pain, and which each of us has the power to change: "preventable suffering" and self image. "Preventable suffering" describes the terrible outcomes that result from decisions, choices, and behaviors that we know will lead to pain, such as adultery, addiction, and illegal activity. Self-image describes the ways in we think about ourselves and the philosophies and worldviews we hold, which can be negative in times of pain. Move in the direction of greater self-love.
Suggestions:
a.. Listen to the wake-up calls about the things you do in your life
b.. Look honestly at your feelings about yourself
c.. Surround yourself with company that reinforces your positive feelings about yourself
d.. Forgive yourself for your mistakes
e.. Change the way you talk to yourself and improve your inner dialogue
f.. Don't set unreasonable, perfectionistic goals for yourself
g.. Celebrate your strengths and achievements
h.. Avoid comparing yourself to others
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is truly living, being fully alive in every moment and appreciating each for what it is. When you enter deeply into each moment as it occurs, you will more clearly see the true nature of reality, and it is this insight that will liberate you from suffering and pain.
Suggestions:
a.. Practice a daily meditation
b.. Read books about mindfulness and meditation
c.. Tap into community support, such as classes or practice groups in yoga
d.. Find your own path to mindfulness
e.. Learn to relish and appreciate each and every moment
f.. Let yourself feel everything
Grieve
Grief is a natural and normal response to significant loss and let yourself experience it. Know that there is no prescribed way to feel or a timeline to follow. Let your grief chart its own course.
Suggestions:
a.. Recognize and acknowledge that you are grieving
b.. Let yourself feel the pain and give in to it
c.. Express your sorrow, talk about it to family and friends
d.. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel you should have done
e.. Take care of your physical self
f.. Find diversions
g.. Be aware of "anniversary reactions"
h.. Get help if you need it
i.. Help others
Build Good Containers
"Container" suggests the importance of relationships in holding us together or enclosing us in a space filled with love and belonging. Inclusion in a group, a clan, a tribe, a family is a human necessity; we need the container of love and inclusion that stems from these groups to help us get through our suffering. Build and nurture your containers.
Suggestions:
a.. Shore up the connections in your family by frequent contact
b.. Create a family from friends
c.. Build your containers before you need them
d.. Be a good container to the people in your life
Count Your Blessings and Discover the Power of Optimism
The power of the mind, of consciousness, is the only equipment we need to grow through suffering and find happiness. Through practice, we can learn to train our minds to see deeply into the true nature of things. Refining such mental states as compassion, kindness, counting one's blessings, and seeing the larger picture will lead you to a more optimistic view of life in general, and your own in particular. With optimism as your guide, you will see the future as worthwhile, and know that present problems will pass. Suggestions:
a.. At all times, and particularly the difficult ones, look around you at the blessings in your life
b.. Calm your mind through meditation, yoga, quiet time alone, and nature
c.. Look at your own levels of optimism and pessimism. How do you rate yourself?
d.. Share the blessings you have with others
Find Courageous Role Models and the Hero Within
Particularly during difficult periods, our heroes can serve as our companions, illuminating the paths before us. Reflecting on their journeys allows us to connect with the heroes within ourselves. Suffering puts you on the path of the hero and your success along the way will be determined by the choices you make.
Suggestions:
a.. Sit quietly and reflect on your heroes
b.. Study to learn more about your heroes. When you are going through a difficult time, write a story about your difficulty, exploring how your hero might deal with the same crisis or problem
Keep a Sense of Humor
Humor and laughter are powerful strategies for dealing with life's worst situations, capable of reducing stress, boosting the immune system, and easing suffering. Even in the midst of terrible loss and pain, humor has its own healing place.
Suggestions:
a.. Don't ever be afraid to step back from your suffering and laugh
b.. Share your laughter with others; let yourself relax and find the humor that surrounds you
Express Your Feelings
The pain of suffering, if left unexpressed, incubates over years, decades, even lifetimes, and festers into a growing inner wound that will not heal. Talk about your feelings, haul them into the arena of your awareness. Suffering, especially, demands its expression. Suggestions:
a.. Talk about your suffering with a friend or therapist
b.. Express your suffering through art or ritual
c.. Listen to others when they need an ear
Silence, Prayer, and Meditation
Silence and the attention to our inner space allow us to create a psychological and spiritual environment in which prayer and meditation naturally arise; taken together, they bring mindfulness, concentration, self-reflection, and a deeply felt connection to God and the universe. These moments when you are most completely within will be your strongest with that which appears to be without and beyond your rational
comprehension. These moments, too, will put your pain and suffering in a new perspective, and you will become stronger for it.
Suggestions:
a.. Set aside time each day to meditate or pray
b.. Read, practice, and learn about the many types of meditation and prayer
c.. Discover the joys of prayer and meditation with others through a local place of worship
d.. Learn to love silence
e.. Ask your friends and family to keep you in their prayers
Come to Your Life like a Warrior
Throughout time, all cultures have sought the utopia of an enlightened society in which everyone lives up to his or her fullest potential it is the way of the warrior. The warrior exists within all of us as a natural, archetypal element in the human psyche. During difficult times, four defining characteristics stand out as especially important: Awareness, Bravery, Compassion, and Discipline the "ABCs" of living as a warrior. When we're in pain, it's easy to forget that there's a warrior inside us who is up to the task that confronts us. By looking inside courageously, you will find strength and resources you never imagined.
Suggestions:
a.. Gently but honestly look at yourself and your life in relation to the four warrior characteristics. Where are you strong? Where do you need work?
b.. Work out a specific plan to keep yourself physically, psychologically, and spiritually strong
c.. Every morning upon rising ask yourself this one question: "What do I need to do today to take greater responsibility for my life and live with the passionate vitality of a warrior?"
from After The Darkest Hour: How Suffering Begins The Journey To Wisdom
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| Mementos and Memories to Touch |
This article really helped me to understand why it seems so important to keep everything of Wayne's. Even the small and insignificant things that I logically know will not mean much in the next 10 years. I just cannot seem to part with his things...they are all a part of him. They all represent something he touched, something he wrote, something he kept, etc.
Mementos and Memories to Touch
by Beckie A Miller
Glendale, AZ
Memories are one of our most precious gifts of most we love and those who may have touched our lives at one time or another. Memories sustain us through loss and remind us that our loved one existed in a place other than our broken heart and shattered world.
I remember back to the first few weeks after my son's death. It was the first Christmas he would not share with us. A time when the pain of his loss was so unbearable, Christmas meant only more pain. I was going through the motions of living. I took breaths between heartaches. I ate simply to have the energy to continue grieving. I accomplished the mundane tasks of life because my body followed habit and I had to do something besides giving into this awful pain. I smiled because my mouth formed the tracks of past smiles. I cried until there were simply no more tears to fall, at least until the well had time to fill up again. I laughed because it was the precursor to screaming and nice ladies do not scream. I missed my son with my entire soul and my very being.
My mother called and said we should come home that first Christmas, her home. Our home was no place to endure that awful, first holiday season without Brian. I agreed simply because I had no energy to disagree, and then fear struck me, almost as a physical assault. What if the house burned down while I was gone? I began mentally packing up all of Brian's eighteen years of possessions in my mind and everything I owned that he was a part of: gifts, pictures, clothes, toys. Anything and everything that was proof of his existence went into the box to be stored somewhere safe, wherever that was.
My mom chastised me for my fears. It was that moment, I realized that no one truly understood what I was feeling, and if my own mother could not, no one could. The cold reality of that thought shocked me with its loneliness, its alienation from everything that I once thought sacred.
"Mom, you just don't understand," I screamed at her over the phone. "When all you have left of someone who once was a part of your very soul - your child, your son - mementos of their existence and memories, those mementos become darned (in all honesty, darned was not the word I used) important!" Mom was telling me that all of those few things I had left of Brian were not important. She told me they were just "material things" and could be taken from me, but my memories could not.
Oh Mom, if only you had known! Yes, you were right about memories, but wrong about those material things that I could still touch - those physical items that were concrete reminders of his living, his existence. I had seen people grab some clothing of their loved one, inhale deeply and hug it close to them on television before. I had never understood why until now. I wanted to smell my son, to feel the softness of his hair on my hands, the tenderness of his kiss on my cheek, his hand in my hand. Touching what was left behind, holding on to a sweater he wore, a poem he wrote, meant even for a brief moment that he lived. He lived! In this terrible chasm of endless pain-filled heartache, I knew he had died, but I desperately needed to remember that he had lived.
Memories are precious, but when you love someone close, someone a part of you forever, something left that you can touch is a very precious thing. Someday, a long time from those first few weeks after my son's death, I may not need those concrete reminders of him that I can touch. Someday, all I may have are memories to replace them. After all, that sweater worn by Brian no longer smells like him, and I have to reach way down inside a place that can recall what that smell was like in my memories. But for now and whenever necessary, please, allow me to touch. I need to touch what was a part of him.
~reprinted with permission from
Bereavement Magazine November/December 2003
1-888-604-4673
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| Say THEIR NAMES! by Don Hackett... |
Say THEIR NAMES!
The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how are we doing. Never
are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The
moment has passed. Lives slip from request recall. There are exceptions, close and
compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is
over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But, for us the play will NEVER
end. The effects on us are timeless.
Say THEIR NAMES to us.
On the stages of our lives they have been both leading and supporting actors
and actresses. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. The
sound of their voices replay within our minds. You feel they are dead. We
feel they are of the dead and still they live. They ghostwalk our souls,
beckoning in future welcome. You say there were our children. We say they are.
Say THEIR Names to us, and say THEIR NAMES again.
It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no part
of our now. They are our hope for the future. You say not to remind us. How
little you understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could. We
understand you, but feel the pain in being forced to do so. We forgive you because you
cannot know. And we would forgive you anyway. We accept how you see us, but
understand you see us not at all. We strive not to judge you, but we wish
that you could understand that we dwell in both flesh and in spirit. The mystery is that you do too, but know it not. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost you cannot feel. What we have gained, you cannot see. And we would not have you.
Say THEIR NAMES for they are alive in me.
They and we will meet again, although in many ways we've never parted. They
and their lives play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my
dreams. They are real and shadow, were and are.
Say THEIR NAMES to us and say THEIR NAMES again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
By: Don Hackett, from his book *Say Olin to Say Good-bye*
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| A FAMILY IN GRIEF by Robert Hatfield... |
The family is our foundation as we move through life. It is the safe harbor created through love, trust & friendship as we continue the battle of life's daily struggles. To individual family members, a family can provide different levels of comfort in various ways. But regardless of our individual roles in the family, we know that it will always be there for us.
Within the family is a tightly woven web of relationships. Typically, a spouse could be our intimate companion, closest confidante, or financial supporter. A parent could be our nurturer, advisor, & protector. A child could be our source of pride & hope for the future. A sibling could be a confidante, protector & closest companion. Within all roles are intense love & friendship.
Each family member can provide a different role & level of comfort to every other member in the family. When we look at a family in this manner, we realize just how complex the inner relationships of a family can be. A family consisting of two parents & two children can have up to twelve different relationships.
When a family member dies, each role that this person served to every other family member is severed. The protection, advice, companionship, love & friendship that we depended on, on a daily basis, is gone forever.
The trauma suffered from the death of a family member is the most devastating thing that could happen to anyone. It invokes shock, disbelief, anger, guilt & fear in other family members. The emotional pain is so intense that it becomes physical – as if hot coals had been placed on your chest & stomach.
How does a shattered family continue? The primary element to survival can be summed up with one word – communication.
Each family member is going to grieve differently. This is primarily to the uniqueness of each person in the family, but also because the person that died provided a different role to every other family member. In addition, each family member will have different external responsibilities & relationships that affect their grief, or ability to grieve.
A working parent may feel the necessity to attempt to contain their grief so that they can continue to function at work. Homemakers may become completely enveloped in their grief because of the inability to distance themselves from it while in the home. A child or sibling may attempt to contain their grief due to peer pressure or as a way to reduce the grief on the parents.
Each person in the family will do what they feel they need to do to get themselves through this tragedy. There are no predestined paths through grief, no `stages' that all of us must go through,& there is no timeline in which you should be over your grief – grief is indefinite; it simply gets less intense over time. There is, however, one rule that everyone should attempt to obey: never do anything that is going to emotionally or physically hurt you or another family member.
Here are some ways to cope with certain situations that I hope you will feel helpful:
• Do not allow another family member to do something that would emotionally devastate you. Instead, voice your needs & attempt to work out some common ground between the two of you. If the person's original intentions would have been hard to deal with, but you could handle a lesser amount – let this person know. Just as much as it is devastating to you, it is important to them.
• Never assume that because a family member is not outwardly grieving, that their grief must not be as intense as yours. Also, try not to force a discussion about the family member that had died. There is always another time in which the two of you may better communicate. Likewise, if another family member needs to discuss their grief issues, try to accommodate them in as much as you can. There is nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry, I can't do this right now.", or "I'm sorry, but this is all that I can handle right now."
• Try to be as honest as you can with your other children. They need to know the truth. Of course, your responses should be appropriately phrased toward the age of the child.
• Include your other children in decisions regarding your child that had died in as much as you can. This allows them to voice their opinion, & can be an excellent way to open their communication in grief.
• Try to avoid making fast, irreversible decisions. For example, if you feel that you need to pack your child's room that had died, discuss this with every other family member. If everyone agrees, wait a little while (perhaps a couple days or a week), ask again, then do it. During our grief, we are on an emotional roller coaster. What seems practical one day, could be devastating the next.
Our son Robert died in 1997. He has a 1973 Chevy pickup that we were in the middle of restoring when he died. We finished the engine, but haven't done anything to the body or interior. On several occasions, my wife or I had asked our other two sons if we should sell the truck. Each time, different members of our family objected. I'm happy to say that it still sits in front of our home, & we intend to complete the restoration.
Sometime after the initial shock wears off, pleasant memories of the family member that has died will become more & more frequent.
Conversations between family members will start with "remember when" more frequently. It is then that we realize that he or she never left our family. That certain roles that this person fulfilled are still prevalent in our day-to-day lives.
Through memories, advice is given, nurturing is provided, pride abounds, & love is forever present.
~Robert Hatfield~ |
| COMPANIONING vs TREATING by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. |
Beyond the Medical Model of Grief Counseling
By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Fort Collins, Colorado
I've decided to explore with you, the reader, my tenets of "companioning" vs. "treating" each other in grief.
Allow me to remind you that the word "treat" comes from the Latin root word "tractare," which means "to drag." If we combine that with the word "patient," we can really get into trouble. "Patient" means "passive long-term sufferer." So, if we "treat" each other as "patients," we "drag passive long-term sufferers." (Doesn't sound very empowering to me.)
On the other hand, the word "companion," when broken down into its original Latin roots, means "messmate": com for "with" and pan for "bread." Someone you would share a meal with, a friend, an equal. I have taken liberties with the noun "companion" and made it into the verb "companioning" because it so well captures the type of helping relationship with those in grief I support and advocate.
Following is a list of tenets that for me, describe what it means to companion someone in grief. Whether you are a professional grief counselor, a lay helper or simply a friend to someone who is grieving, it is my hope that these tenets will guide you in all your helping efforts. Then, in forthcoming issues of this magazine, I will examine each tenet, one-by-one, and provide an in-depth, practical discussion of how each tenet can be applied.
A companion to mourners understands that:
Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.
Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.
Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words.
Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles.
Companioning is about being present to another person's pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible
for finding the way out.
Thank you for joining me in my exploration of a new philosophy of helping the bereaved.
Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 402-553-1200
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| 'I CAN ONLY IMAGINE' by Bart Millard |
The music playing on this page is I CAN ONLY IMAGINE by Bart Millard:
I Can Only Imagine
Words and Music by Bart Millard
© 1999 - Simpleville Music
I can only imagine what it will be like,
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see,
When Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine!
Refrain
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine, when that day comes,
When I find myself standing in the Son.
I can only imagine, when all I will do,
Is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
Refrain
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine!
I can only imagine,
When all I will do
is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine!
For a beautiful and touching presentation of I CAN ONLY IMAGINE sung by Jeff Carson go to: http://www.andiesisle.com/imagine.html
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