William Wayne Cox 11/2/87-11/10/03 :: Loved, Forever and a Day

Death is a sad and trying experience for children when it happens under normal circumstances, for example, when an elderly grandparent dies. It is even more difficult and confusing for the child when the death is caused by a traumatic circumstance like suicide. It's sad and confusing for adults, too.

Recently, a former student committed suicide in the town where we both lived for many years. I was Brady's first- and second-grade teacher. I still feel my fingers brush gently across his soft cheek; it always calmed him when he was upset. So quickly he became a grown man, a husband, a daddy ... and now, suddenly, he's gone! My sadness for Brady, and the desperateness he must have felt, kindles sadly in my heart. How confusing and difficult for his young children to understand. Do they question why a person who loved them and was always there for them would suddenly whisk himself away - and on purpose? How will they process this tragedy and work through all the grief caused by their father's death?

If very young children are involved, the family may decide to withhold the fact that the person committed suicide, hoping it will suffice to explain the death as an accident. I recently received a phone message from a mother in another state who had chosen this explanation when her sister-in-law committed suicide. Now, she wonders if her decision was a wise one. Her children, ages four and six, are experiencing nightmares and have difficulty going to sleep. She wonders how much of this is related to their aunt's death. The family doctor prescribed a mild antidepressant containing a sleep ingredient. The mother, hesitant to pursue this solution, was calling for advice.

She had not allowed the children to attend Aunt Lynn's funeral because of the open casket, fearing it would be "too traumatic" for them. Mother describes the six-year-old as quiet and reticent to talk about her feelings. The four-year-old brother follows the lead of his older sibling in his reaction to events. If we can see this from the children's point of view, they have been told, "Aunt Lynn had an accident and died." It is my guess that the children have heard bits and pieces of adult conversations regarding Aunt Lynn's death that may be adding to their fear and confusion.

When family trauma occurs, it is difficult to know what to do, or how much to tell a child. The struggle magnifies when the adult caregivers are shocked and grieving too. By learning a few skills to help deal with traumatic or emergency situations, caring adults will be more equipped to help their children when and if tragedy occurs. Because children react differently to emotional situations, it is impossible to initiate one rule for every child. With that in mind, use the following guidelines as they might apply to your family and when in doubt, do not hesitate to seek professional counsel.

* Find a quiet place where you and your child can talk in private.

If you and another adult are talking to the child together, agree beforehand how you will discuss the situation. Share your decisions with immediate family members.

* Give true information in a simple and sincere vs. long and detailed manner.

Sincere means be real. Even though it might seem important to stay together and keep your emotions intact "for the sake of the child," it is best for your child to see that your words and feelings go together. If you share emotion-laden information using a matter of fact tone of voice and posture, it will be confusing to the child. If you become teary while talking about it, you are displaying a normal reaction that goes with your words and explains how you really feel. Congruency is important.

* How much information to share depends on the age of the child and his reaction to the initial news.

If the child is kindergarten age or younger, it is appropriate to say, "Aunt Lynn had an accident and because of it, she died." If this satisfies the child, you have probably given sufficient information. If the child keeps questioning, it is an indicator that he may be ready to accept more facts.

There are two reasons to pay careful attention to the child's reaction to the death: (1) You are able to observe how the child internalizes, processes and reacts to the news and (2) It will help you determine how much more information might be appropriate to share. Some children will cry or even scream and yell. Though difficult to witness, such reactions are positive in that the child is able to release his initial shock and sorrow. Some children become sullen and silent or try to run away and hide. This is not an unusual first reaction. However, if the child continues to withdraw and will not be comforted for long periods of time, you may wish to obtain brief professional counsel.

Though we must consider the emotional maturity of children when sharing sensitive information, they are, in fact, more resilient than we think. Especially when the trusted adult shares in a caring, loving manner. It is healthier to provide age appropriate, truthful responses than manufacture stories that have to be re-explained later. When children age six and over press for information, a response might be, "Aunt Lynn committed suicide This means she took her own life." (Use the correct term and explain what suicide means.)

The child may ask, "Why did she do it?"

Appropriate response: "We don't understand it either. Maybe Aunt Lynn felt that things were so bad for her that she didn't have other choices ... even though there were lots of people who really would have helped her."

Layering information is a useful technique in that you give small and accurate accounts of the event over a short period of time. In other words, the adult plans to tell as much of the story as is age appropriate, though it will not all be told at once. For example, if the child presses for more: "What did she do to make herself die?" A soft reply could be, "Josh, I want us to talk more, but I'd like to do it tomorrow." Continue, "I know how much we will miss Aunt Lynn." Hold and comfort the child; allow him to feel your warmth and security.

There are two reasons for layering when talking to children about delicate and emotional information. First, you may feel emotionally spent and your own pain might be too great to discuss it further, at least in the manner that you want to be able to. Adults often tend to withhold information or share too much. Layering allows you time to think. Second, children assimilate emotionally laden information best if it is shared in proportion to their ability to take it in and process it. Layering provides for this and gives the child time to think and form questions appropriate to his concerns. Your promise to share more information later opens the door for further dialogue.

When you share more information about what took place, give simple and truthful explanations. If you misrepresent the main facts, your child is likely to mentally manufacture an inaccurate story with more horrendous details than what the truth was. And, if your child should hear fabricated or exaggerated accounts of the suicide from outsiders, he should be prepared to counter this with the truth.

You might explain softly, "Uncle Joe used a rope to hang himself," or if drugs were involved you could say, "Misty took too many pills that the doctor did not tell her to take, and it caused her to die." I emphasize the sensitive nature in which you must be ready to share this information, and remember it is all right to show your own natural sadness and disbelief regarding what has happened.

We wish our children did not have to experience tragic events. However, if a family tragedy occurs, children will move through the experience and recover from it in a more mentally healthy manner if given simple and uncomplicated truths, and if they are allowed to be part of the family grief process, including the funeral and/or memorial services.

* Refrain from discussing morbid details (or what I refer to as gossipy information) related to the suicide when the child is present or within hearing distance (another room in the house).

Opportunities to hear or process only part of the discussion is too great and will only add to her confusion and misunderstanding. Half-truths, fears and misconceptions are major ingredients of children's nightmares.

* Share fond stories and memories of the one who died.

It is important for the child to hear good things about the person who died. This won't happen if the suicide circumstances become the central theme of conversation. Sharing the good memories will warm and nurture all family members and bring them together at a time when family is most important.

* Prepare your child to communicate with others about the death.

This is another reason for providing accurate information. Insensitive people sometimes appear more eager for details than to express sorrow over your loss. Make it clear to the child that if he wishes to talk about the death to another person, it's all right to share the information. On the other hand, if the child is not comfortable talking about it, or if questions feel inappropriate, he should be free to tell the person he would rather not talk about it.

* Encourage your child to draw pictures.

Include pictures of times spent with the one who died. Include short captions explaining the happy event. In the case of suicide, or if the death occurs without warning, offer the child the opportunity to draw a goodbye picture. Accept how the child chooses to interpret such a picture. It may be tucked into the casket or the adults and child might create a short ceremony and release the picture in a helium balloon.

* Write a goodbye letter to the person who died.

The letter may express love, disappointment, anger, etc. End the letter on a good news note if possible. This exercise is also helpful to adults.

* Establish a memory book.

Collecting visual memories can offer great comfort. Include pictures, short stories, mementos, etc. The book will serve as tool for helping the child talk about the experience as she shares it with others. Recalling fond memories is a vital ingredient for healthy healing.

* If the child is restless at bedtime, afraid to go to sleep or experiencing nightmares:

Restrict rich foods before bedtime and avoid any form of television after six p.m. What children watch on television has a definite impact on their thought processes and is reinterpreted during sleep.

If your child keeps calling you to his room saying, "I can't sleep" or "I want a drink of water," try to discover what he is thinking. Sit with him and say something such as, "You have lots going on inside your sweet head right now. If you can tell me the stories in your mind, maybe I can help." If the child seems unable to connect with his thoughts or is hesitant to share, it is sometimes helpful to engage him in a game. Use sentence starters such as "The good things I'm thinking are .." Encourage him to finish the sentence. (Begin with least threatening sentences.) Continue, "The scary things I'm thinking are ..." "The thing that worries me most now is...." Share some of your thoughts, such as, "The good thing I'm thinking is how cozy it feels to be inside and warm tonight." You might offer continued assurance by saying, "Now that you've shared your thoughts with me, let's pretend I can hold them for you throughout the night If you want them back tomorrow, I'll have them for you."

Soft music and a dim night light can be a soothing bedtime comfort. When you accompany this with a gentle back and leg massage, some children will feel even more relaxed. Other children experience massage as tickling and will be over stimulated. Touch of any kind should never be forced on a child.

Help the child change pictures in her mind. We do this by asking her to think of a beautiful place that she has seen in nature, maybe a place you have visited together. With eyes closed, ask her to paint the picture in her mind and share the words with you. if she has difficulty with details, ask such things as, "What is the weather like in your place? If you were barefooted, what would you feel beneath your feet? If we were there together and could reach out and touch something around us, what would we feel? If we were sitting together in this special place, tell me all the things we could see from where we are sitting." These prompts help the child form the mental picture. The next night retell the story of the place she described.

She will correct you if your picture is different from hers. This technique helps reinforce the safe and beautiful place, and you have also shared precious moments with your child.

The adults closest to the child will always have the strongest impact, so remember to include the many good things you already do as you relate in positive ways to your child. As years go by, what the child will retain the most is what happened within the family and how he or she was made to feel during the time of trouble and sadness.

This article provides practical suggestions to help you toward healing under the headings:

Why Suicide?
Initial Shock – this isn't happening!
Anger –Why am I so angry?
Guilt – if only I'd done something more
Relief – I'm almost glad it's over
Stigma – What do I tell people?
Talking to Children
Suicide is not inherited
Looking ahead

Someone close to you has died. Your grief is intensified because the death was a suicide. The healing process will be painful and often seem unnaturally slow. Understanding your emotions, as well as learning something about suicide in general, may ease your grief.

WHY SUICIDE?

Suicide cuts across all sex, age, and economic barriers. People of all ages complete suicide, men and women as well as young children, the rich as well as the poor. No one is immune to this tragedy.

Why would anyone willingly hasten or cause his or her own death? Mental health professionals who have been searching for years for an answer to that question generally agree that people who took their own lives felt trapped by what they saw as a hopeless situation. Whatever the reality, whatever the emotional support provided, they felt isolated and cut off from life, friendships, etc. Even if no physical illness was present suicide victims felt intense pain, anguish, and hopelessness. John Newer, author of After Suicide, says, "He or she probably wasn't choosing death as much as choosing to end this unbearable pain."

Were there financial burdens that couldn't be met? ...marriage or family problems? ..divorce? ...scholastic goals that weren't achieved? ...loss of a special friendship? ...the death of a close friend or spouse? A combination of these or other circumstances could have precipitated suicide, or it could have been a response to a physiological depression. Although many people face similar problems and overcome them, your loved one could find no solution other than death.

But sometimes there are no apparent causes. No matter how long and hard you search for a reason, you won't be able to answer the "WHY" that haunts you. Each suicide is individual, regardless of the generalisations about the "whys", and there may be no way you will completely understand the suicide victim's thought process.

As you look for answers and understanding, you also need to deal with your feelings of shock, anger and guilt. The intensity of your feelings will depend on how close you were to the deceased and the degree of involvement you had with his or her life. As each suicide is individual, so will your reaction, healing, and coping process be unique. The general observations that follow may help you deal with your grief.

INITIAL SHOCK – THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!

Shock is a first reaction to death. You may feel numb for a while, perhaps unable to follow a normal daily routine. This shock can be healthy, protecting you from the initial pain of the loss, and it may help you get through funeral arrangements and services. It may last a few days or go on for several weeks. Take some time to be alone, if that's what you want, but it is also important to be with other people and to return to your normal routine.

After the initial shock you may feel angry, guilty, and of course, sad. These feelings may overwhelm you all at once, and immediately, or they may surface in the weeks, months, and years ahead. You may handle them well initially only to have them return for no apparent reason. These feelings, and the helplessness that comes with them, will pass. Try to understand and accept the things you feel. It is OK, it is healthy, and it is all part of the healing and coping process.

ANGER – WHY AM I SO ANGRY?

As a relative or loved one coping with a suicide death, you may experience anger, often directed at the deceased – "How could he do this to me?" If the deceased was receiving psychiatric or medical care you may ask, "Why didn't THEY prevent it? You may find yourself angry with God for "allowing this to happen". The anger may be self-directed – "What could I have done?" or "Why wasn't I there?"

Don't try to deny or hide this anger. It is a natural consequence of the hurt and rejection you feel. If you deny your anger, it will eventually come out in other, possibly more destructive ways and it will prolong the healing process. You need to find someone you can talk to about this feeling – perhaps a close friend or your clergyman. You may need to release your anger physically; take long brisk walks or any exercise that is reasonable for your physical capabilities.

Your anger with the deceased is normal when the manner of death is suicide. The deceased has thrown your emotions into turmoil, and caused pain for you and for others you care about.

Anger with the medical or mental health profession can occur if the suicide victim was receiving treatment or therapy. Though you may have had experience with someone unable to help, the professionals are dedicated and well trained, providing help for many people. These professionals will be the first to recognise that your anger is a valid emotion.

If you're angry with God, share your feelings with a sympathetic clergyman even if you don't have any close religious ties. Hewett says, "If you're ticked off at the Almighty, for His sake, tell Him. God is the only one prepared to handle all your anger."

Don't deny your anger. Talk about it, think about it, and constructively deal with it.

GUILT – IF ONLY I'D DONE SOMETHING MORE

Perhaps the most intense anger you experience will be the way you feel about yourself. This anger is closely linked with feelings of guilt. "But I just talked with him!" "Why didn't I listen?" "If only... I should have..." etc. You'll think of a lot of others.

If the deceased was someone with whom you had regular close contact, your guilt possibly will be intense. And if the death came as a complete surprise, you will be desperately searching for reasons. A person who completes suicide has usually given out some clues, and as you look back on the last few months (or years) maybe you can now see some hints you missed earlier. You'll wish you'd recognised the problem early enough to do something about it.

Perhaps you were aware of the deceased's suicidal feelings and you did try to help. You may have thought you had because in the time proceeding the death you noticed he or she seemed to be feeling a lot better and you relaxed your concern. You need to know it's not uncommon for a suicidal person to feel better once the decision to die has been made. The problem has not been resolved, but the victim has found an answer – suicide.

As you are trying to cope with your guilt feelings, try not to criticise yourself too harshly for your behaviour toward the victim while he was alive. Are you now wishing you could have found the right solutions or offered more support? Thoughts like "I shouldn't have gone to the movie", or "I should have been there", may constantly be running through your head. If you had stayed home, or if you had been with him, the suicide could and possibly would have happened at another time. If you feel your presence at a particular time could have prevented the suicide, you are assuming too much. Of course we all like to think we can help our troubled friends and families, and we do try. But, the person determined to complete suicide is likely to accomplish it.

If you realistically feel there was something you could have done, face it, think about it, and accept it. Your loved one can't be helped any more, and you need to go on with your life. You can learn from, and grow with, your experience.

Some people believe an individual has a right to end his life. The term 'rational suicide' is used to describe a suicide that has been thought about, and planned, perhaps as a way of dealing with a painful terminal illness. This is an area of controversy, and whether you accept it or not, what you do need to think about is that the suicide was an individual decision – rational or not. It was his choice, not yours. You may accept this intellectually long before your emotions accept it.

What value does your anger or guilt have in the healing process and beyond? Rather than letting the hurt isolate you, share your time and understanding with someone else who is hurting. You can provide friendship and support. Get involved with others; actively support suicide prevention services in your area, or any worthwhile cause or issue that means something to you.

RELIEF – I'M ALMOST GLAD IT'S OVER

If you were closely involved with the deceased, perhaps his pain and suffering had become an emotional drain for you. You may have felt unfairly burdened, or just exhausted from being involved with an intense situation. Now you may be feeling a sense of relief that you don't have to worry any more, or perhaps relief that the deceased's pain has finally ended. A sense of relief when a difficult situation ends is normal. When the 'end' is an unhappy one, the relief can still be there, but now it is coloured with guilt. Remember, don't expect perfection of yourself, accept your relief and don't let it grow to inappropriate guilt. The late psychiatrist, Dr. Theodore Reik, said, "One can feel sorry for something without feeling guilty". Remember, too, that the suicide victim saw death as the only relief possible at that particular time.

STIGMA - WHAT DO I TELL PEOPLE?

The stigma or shame, you may think others associate with suicide, stems in part from its historical and religious interpretations. Early Roman and English laws established suicide as a crime because it was thought a person ended his life to avoid paying taxes! Though the Bible itself contains no prohibition against suicide, the early Christian church equated suicide with murder. Today very few laws exist that equate suicide with crime, and those few are rarely invoked.

If your friends seem uncomfortable talking about the death, or even being with you, it's most likely the type of discomfort felt when facing death of any kind, or a reaction to your discomfort. And if you're not comfortable relating the circumstances to others, don't. Your close friends will already know. Let others simply respond to the death of your loved one. You don't need to share the complete story with those not close to you any more than you would share all the details of a recent surgery with them.

However, it is very important that you do confront the word 'suicide'. Practice thinking, hearing, and saying it. Don't try to do this alone. You need someone, or several people, with whom you can share your feelings. For a few days – possibly a week or two – you may want to isolate yourself and take time to recover by yourself. But don't cut yourself off for too long. Let friends and relatives help you. No one will have any magic answers for you. No one will be able to make you hurt less. But the healing and coping process requires that you talk about your feelings – about all the sadness, anger, hurt and guilt you are carrying around inside you. Friends may provide all the emotional support you need or you may want to join a mutual support group and meet with others who have experienced the suicide of a loved one. The suicide hotline in your area may be able to offer you some understanding and support over the telephone. Often these hotlines are answered 24 hours a day by people especially trained to help you through the rough spots. They will understand your feelings and help you find ways to work things out.

If you need some professional counselling, your doctor, clergyman, or your Mental Health Association can help you find appropriate services. Remember, you may be blaming yourself in some way but here are people who will share your sorrow and help you see things more clearly.

TALKING TO CHILDREN

If the deceased was a parent, or if there are children who were close to the deceased, talking to the children about the death may be one of the most difficult tasks you face. You can't ignore their needs, especially if you are the primary adult in their lives.

The National Institute for Mental Health says, "By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know – if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help."

Even very young children will be aware of the death of someone in their lives, and they need an opportunity to ask questions and to get truthful answers. If you're reluctant to talk about suicide – what it means and why it happened – remember that the children are likely to hear about it from other sources, and their confusion will be intensified if they have not had some communication with you. You will need to let them know that the suicide victim was unhappy without giving the impression that death is the answer to unhappiness. You will need to let them know that the deceased felt he had a lot of problems or was ill, without giving them the slightest reason to suspect that they were the cause of the problems or responsible for the illness. They need assurance that YOU will be with them for a long time and that your unhappiness over the death will not be reason for your death.

Older children may be more aware of the circumstances surrounding the death but may be less open about sharing their feelings. They may also feel more responsible than young children and search harder for answers. They may be freer to blame someone, you, for instance.

All children may need some time – a few days at most – to think about the death, to probe their feelings, and to formulate their own questions. The young child's natural openness may make it easier for him to talk about the death. An older child's growing sense of maturity may prevent him from sharing feelings.

Some children, regardless of age, won't ask questions at all and you need to encourage communication. As comfortable as it may be for you to 'let it ride', don't do it. Children, like adults, need to talk about and share their feelings about the suicide. Their reactions may be similar to yours. They may seem insensitive or they may show more anger, hurt, and guilt. You need to accept their reactions, whatever they are, even if you don't fully understand them.

If communication with a child is difficult, make it a point to talk with people the child has contact with, especially teachers. Teachers need to know what the child is reacting to and they could help you pinpoint emotional responses that may be emerging, such as a change in behaviour at school. They can help you reach the child and provide additional support.

Whether your children are preschool or teen, be honest and listen to what they say as well as to what they do. Make time to be with them. Accept their feelings and share your own. When they ask questions you don't have answers for, don't ignore those questions or make up answers. Especially when the death is a suicide, a lot of 'answers' will be "I don't understand either".

Just as you need emotional, non-judgemental support from someone close to you, your children need your support at this time.

Your library or the local book store may be able to recommend some reading material that will help you discuss death with your children, or books to read to them.

SUICIDE IS NOT INHERITED

Suicide may occur more than once within a family, but it not something that is inherited. In a family, or even among friends, suicide may establish a destructive model or a behaviour to imitate. Thoughts of your own suicide are not an uncommon reaction to the suicide of someone you love and may surface immediately, or years later. A fleeting thought now and then shouldn't cause alarm. But extended depression and continuing suicidal thoughts need immediate attention. Don't hesitate to seek out professional help if your problems seem more than you can handle alone.

LOOKING AHEAD

Your grief and sadness will eventually subside, and you will be able to pick up the pieces of your life and rebuild.

There will be times, however, when these feelings will surface very strongly. Holidays or other special times, may renew your sadness. Especially for the first year, you'll need to decide if you want to maintain traditions you shared with the deceased or if you want new settings and activities to ease painful memories.

On the anniversary of the death, you may want to be alone, attend church, or observe the day in a manner that means something special to you. You may prefer to spend that time with someone close to you or make plans for a family gathering. You can't avoid these periods of sadness, but whenever possible, try to plan ahead so that they won't be overwhelming. And sometimes, your loneliness and sadness may come back for no special reason. Be prepared to face this also. Ask for help from friends or a counselling service, if you need it. You can't expect to forget, but you will be able to cope.

http://www.buddhanet.net/r_suicid.htm